I’ll be having a fabulous time with tweens and teens in and around the Burlington, WA area in a FREE workshop entitled, “Pretending Your Way to Success!”
When: April 10, from 1pm - 3 pm.
Where: Burlington, WA Public Library - 820 E. Washington Ave.
What and Who: Tweens and Teens are invited to participate in an interactive, low-key workshop to learn fun AND practical techniques to help you create the life of your dreams.
Why: People tell you that success is about sacrifice, or about being born into the right family, or knowing all the cool people.
It’s not! Success is about inspiration and preparation, and neither has to be a sacrifice.
Learn how to release the stress, enjoy life more, get along better with your parents, AND achieve more of what you want with less effort! You’ll practice SUPER easy exercises that are fun and GUARANTEED to work! And I’ll even give you some exercises to take home to your parents so they can relax more! Good deal, right?
I use these techniques all the time with my teen clients. Here’s what they have to say.
And here’s a preview of some exercises. (Though I’m hoping to be less dorky in person!)
I’m on vacation for the next several days so I’m sharing posts and other goodies from some of my favorite people. Today I have a link to a radio interview with Kathy Slattengren who appeared on the show “A Life on Fire.” Kathy and the “Sisters of Sizzle” Jill Pagano and Elise Kloter discuss the book “Willow” by Julia Hoban, and other teen-related topics.
If you have a daughter or son who has read “Willow” or who is an avid reader, you will definitely want to tune in.
If you have a daughter or son who is in pain, (even if they’re not cutting) you’ll also want to tune in to hear Kathy’s words of wisdom. (Kathy’s part begins about 9 minutes into the show).
Do you have a smart, creative, loving child who is also cranky, inattentive, and sometimes downright obnoxious? Does your child have a taste for soda, sugary breakfast cereal, and treats like candy and cookies?
Some scoff at the idea that certain foods could affect one’s mood and behavior but if your child is struggling with inattention, anger, and/or low self-esteem, isn’t it worth looking into?
From an adult point of view “what needs to happen” can be so OBVIOUS. The bathroom towels smell icky when they are left on the floor, the kitchen gradually has fewer and fewer bowls as teens bring them to their room on a “one way” flight pattern, clothes on the floor means that they aren’t in the laundry and won’t be clean at the time they are urgently needed. Because it is so obvious to us, we adults have a tendency to tell our teens about what is going to happen or remind them about what they “need” to do.
Have you ever tried having a conversation with your teen using only questions? It is worth trying. The first time I did it I noticed that I was a bit tongue tied. Using questions made for a lot more space in the conversation. I ended up saying less and my teen ended up saying more! With some practice I noticed that asking also allowed me to let go of responsibilities that really shouldn’t have been mine anymore anyway.
I challenge you to try it. Here are some hints:
–Go for curiosity. Do your best to ask questions that can’t be answered with a “yes” or “no.” –Requests for obvious action don’t count in this exercise – though they are also appropriate and necessary. But notice where the responsibility is with, “Will you please pick up your towel?” Curiosity about future action shifts the responsibility (What is your plan for your towel?) as long as you are willing make room for any answer and let your teen live with the result. –Humor is helpful. “How long before those bowls in your room get a return ticket to the kitchen?” –Listen for the need for being heard. Instead of jumping in to help, offer instead: “Would you like me to just listen, or would you like problem solving help?” You’ll might be surprised at how often it is your ear and heart that is wanted more than your expertise. –Open offers. Don’t be afraid to ask, “What can I do that would be helpful?” If the request that your teen makes in return doesn’t work for you, you can say so and offer a counter proposal. Not only that, remember that we learn by modeling. Wouldn’t it be nice to hear, “What can I do that would be helpful?” more often from your teen? –Be willing to take silence for an answer. Teens don’t run on the same agenda we do. When your questions “click” you’ll get an answer – maybe even a conversation…. but sometimes they won’t. Be patient, don’t take it personally and remember that your teen is working on figuring out who he/she is – which often starts with NOT being like you. It isn’t personal, it is development. –Be a learner. If this is new for you, you will make mistakes. Be gentle with yourself, learn a little and try again.
BIOGRAPHY: A native Seattleite, Jody McVittie, MD (http://www.encouragingsolutions.net) earned her medical degree from Case Western Reserve University and did her residency in California. She worked as a family physician in both California and Washington before shifting to focus on broader community issues that impact all of our health including education, parenting and land use. Currently she consults with school staff, trains parent educators, teaches parent education classes and provides coaching to teachers and parents. Her dream is to build healthy communities by teaching parents, teachers and students how to work together in relationships founded on deep mutual respect. Jody is the mother of three young adults who have been some of her best teachers.
Scroll down and read the comments too. They’re fascinating - there are some angry people responding, which is really a shame. One of the best things that can happen between parent and teacher is RAPPORT. Unfortunately, parents and teachers often accuse each other of not doing their job and expecting the other to do it for them. That’s always a shame for the child.
If you’re a parent, you need this information, no matter what age your child is. If they don’t have a cell phone now, they’ll probably have one sooner or later and they will want to abuse it! They won’t call it abuse; they’ll call it IMPORTANT! A NECESSITY! LIFE OR DEATH!
I always tell parents that your child’s phone belongs to you, the parent, not to the child. You set a time and that’s when the phone gets turned off and put into a charger in the parents’ bedroom.
You can even attach chores or homework to getting the phone each day if you’re comfortable with that. (”Do your homework by 9pm, show it to us, and you get the phone the next day. No homework, no phone for the day.”)
Parents often look panicked when I say this because we’ve come to believe that our kids NEED their cell phones during the day. They don’t, and here’s why:
Their friends have a phone they can borrow
Their teacher has a phone in case of emergency
The school has a phone - your child can call you and you can call and leave a message if it’s important.
Many stores have pay phones outside the store
Most child emergencies, during the school day, happen in public (no, I don’t have statistics on this, but I taught for a long time and most things happen in the presence of another student or other students).
Kathy Slattengren is an internationally recognized parenting educator and founder of Priceless Parenting. Priceless Parenting, provides online parenting classes which teach many parenting skills like using effective discipline techniques for positively dealing with misbehavior.
I adore this blog post, “Matching Intensity” written by Robyn Howisey, M.A. Robyn is a child, teen, and family therapist in Seattle and we are big fans of each other!
In her post, Robyn talks about how when we have really intense kids, we often only match their intensity when we’re angry with them. What if we matched their intensity when good things happen?
She’s a great writer and, like I said, I just love this post. Check it out here!
My friend and colleague,Amy Lang, of Birds+Bees+Kids was asked last week if she had any tips for parents of gifted kids. She and I had one of our “short-hand conversations” (since we are almost always on the same page) and came up with this answer which I want to share with you:
Just because a child/teen is intellectually gifted, it doesn’t mean they are emotionally gifted. In my 25+ years of working with kids, I’ve only met a few who were emotionally gifted. This means that they are very adult-like in their ability to handle their emotions, social relationships, etc.
So, that being said, don’t get confused about your child/teen’s brightness and his / her ability to manage his/her sexual feelings, dating, relationships, etc, with the same ability that he or she does his/her intellectual life. These children need all the same resources, information etc. as any other kid. They also need lots of communication from you - even when they’re giving you the “I know it all” attitude, because, really, they don’t.
You, however, have way more to draw from - life experience, emotional maturity etc. Just ignore the protesting - if it happens - and keep talking.
Also, if your child is a teen, purchase a couple of the bestsellers and leave them in your teen’s room for him/her to look at on their own. Let them know that you’re willing to talk to them about whatever concerns them.
Amy has some great resources for teens, children, and parents on her website.
*One important thing - there are some studies out there that show that the kids who have sex sooner tend to be brighter, have more money, and have parents who assume their children are mature and sensible! The tendency is for parents to check out a bit because they think “my kid’s smart! He’ll make the right choice!” And this isn’t the case.
Bottom line? Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk! Use those teachable moments, talk about your values, help your children form their own values.
If you are interested in learning how to communicate better with your teen, this bookhas great suggestions on various topics.
If you want suggestions tailored to your individual family and your values, contact me for a consultation.
***If you’d like to make a comment, just scroll down to the comment box. Here are some questions to consider:
Are you comfortable talking to your child/teen about sex and relationships? If not, what gets in your way?
Do you know what your own values are around sex and relationships? If so, do your teens know what they are?
One of my former coaches sent me this link - a video of a talk by Alain de Botton, author of Status Anxiety.
It is very worth watching and I wish I could post it here - it is that eye-opening and thought-provoking. In a nutshell, he says that we are stuck defining “success” by what we do for a living and how much material wealth we have.
Immediately, I thought of how this applies to parents - so often we compare ourselves negatively to others. For instance, I reconnected with an old friend several years ago and found out that his 4 children were pretty much becoming the movers and shakers of their chosen professions. They were intellectuals and social leaders all before the age of 30. And I felt BAD. My first thought was, “Why couldn’t I have that life?” It sounded so easy and merry.
But then I looked at my life, on its own, not in comparison to the lives of others and I see a very different picture. I see that my stepkids are happy, healthy adults, capable of loving and accepting love. They have friends, they live on their own, and they both can support themselves. And, they know that if they are struggling they can find help. Beyond that, what else is there?
I see families falling apart because parents want their children to have a better life than they did. And mind you, these are parents who are in love, have good jobs, are able to support their families, take vacations, and have some extras such as kayaks, or extra TVs or computers.
But what they’re really wanting is for their children to feel good about themselves. Money doesn’t do that. Neither does a big house or a boat or a trip around the world.
Parenting success, to me, is about having fairly happy, independent, self-supporting, loving children. They don’t even have to love YOU, they just have to be capable of sustaining healthy relationships.
I know this is a scary thought. It seems like I’m aiming low. Why shouldn’t we want our kids to have everything? The answer is: because we get too attached to the thought and it starts to negatively impact our relationships with our children and THAT IS SCARY.
I say, instead of pushing your children to have A+ lives, celebrate the B+ life. And then watch what happens when the pressure is off!
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