The Seattle Women and Business Examiner have featured me twice recently, first for Halloween, and today with a special interview with blogger Betsy Talbot.

Check out these articles (Don’t get tricked by the economy and Stress-free holidays) AND my website. If you subscribe to my ezine you’ll be apprised of any special offers as well as upcoming events. And each monthly newsletter has a feature article with easy to implement tips.

Read this story about “My First Job” in the Seattle Times. It’s not the usual waitress/babysitter/store clerk - FUN!

My favorite blog, Pop Candy, posted 4 lists last week. Blogger Whitney Matheson calls it a “High School Survival Kit.” They’re the best in pop culture for high school students:

Top Teen TV Shows about being a teenager

Top 25 Movies  about being a teen

Top 25 books about teens (go, Harry Potter! and The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie. But what happened to the Twilight series??)

Essential music for high school students

ENJOY!

Q: I’m having a lot of separation anxiety about my son/daughter leaving for college.  What can I do to make the transition easier for me?

A: Empty Nest Syndrome is a very real experience for many parents.  As one of my dear friends pointed out to me, “I haven’t been a parent for 18 or 20 or 22 years.  I’ve been a parent since I was a little girl, at least in my dreams.”  That means that you are saying goodbye to a vision that you have carried in your heart since long before your child was born.

This is an important time for you to practice self-care.  If you are grieving, allow that.  Grieving well, that is grieving fully, is more than just a healing activity.  It is transformational.  In a way, “good grief” is another act of creation; the You that will emerge will be brighter and clearer and more precious than you can now imagine.

For some parents the empty nest invites new experiences and opportunities to enlarge your Self, your friendships, your marriage or other love relationships.  Just as your beloved son or daughter is spreading his or her wings, this is your chance to spread your own and see where the wind takes you.

And they will be back - our kids are always with us and they will continue to astonish and worry and delight us.  That you can count on!

Q: I know that you are a parenting coach but I’m having trouble with my spouse.  I want to look at our parenting skills but my spouse doesn’t.  What do I do?

A: There are two possible issues here:

1. The tension is marital, and not about parenting at all. If you are clashing about several issues or you feel like you’re not “getting” each other like you used to, it’s time to look at some sort of marital support and guidance. Marriage counselors and relationship coaches can work wonders.
2. OR… it could be that up until now, nothing big was going on with the kids and parenting was simpler. When it got hard, your differences popped up.

Conventional wisdom would suggest that both parents need to agree. But family reality doesn’t always follow conventional wisdom. If you’re living with your spouse, compromise will be necessary. I suggest that the two of you sit down and choose 3 values that are most important to you both. That means that you’re willing to set limits, expectations, and consequences around these values and their accompanying behaviors. If one of the other of you is not on board with that, throw it out.

On the other hand, I often have to coach just one parent because the other is busy with school or work or parenting all the other kids. Amazingly, even if just one parent starts to implement some new skills, it changes the whole family dynamic for the good.

Good luck and give me a call or shoot me an email if you have questions. Margit@theGiftedTeenCoach.com 425-316-3174

Q: My son/daughter is so busy with school and team sports that we barely have family time together.  How can I change this?

A:  It sounds like your son/daughter is doing very well.  Congratulations!  As our children grow older they will spend more time outside the home.  This is very good practice for when they leave the nest for good.  Take some time to appreciate how wonderful it is that your teen is maturing, as he/she should. 

Many families have a Family Night every week.  This is the night that your teen has to be home with the rest of the family.  Or you may decide to make it a day for an outing.  A bike ride or hike and a picnic for example.  Some families go to religious services and then go to lunch.  Some have a game night.  Some do dinner and a movie or pizza and DVDs.  Decide what works for your family and then stick to the plan.  Although your teen may not see the value in it at first, this ritual will add to his/her sense of security in the long run and, in the future, he/she will remember these times fondly.

Looking for more 1-Minute Parenting Tips? This book has FIFTY! Learn how prepare for - or REPAIR - your relationship with your tween or teen. Release tension, frustration, and confusion. Enjoy your family again (or for the first time!)

I am raising my teenage grandchild but my daughter is still in the picture.  How do I manage this balancing act?

You are a HERO!  Bless you!  This is a really thorny problem but if you have custody at least the law is on your side.  Your grandchild desperately needs the stability and continuity that you can provide.  Boundaries and consequences are even more important in this situation so that your grandson/daughter can thrive.  This is a child who, undoubtedly, has been tossed about (at least metaphorically) and this creates deep self-doubt and even self-loathing (”If my mother loved me then she wouldn’t have abandoned me”).

If your daughter tries to reassert her claim, at least verbally if not legally, you don’t need to belittle her in front of your grandchild.  Explain that your daughter loves her child and that she too wants what’s best for the grandchild even if she doesn’t always realize or accept that that means her beloved child is better off living with you.

Q: What do you think about allowance, checking accounts, credit cards and money managing?

A: I think it’s crucial for kids to learn how to manage their money and I encourage parents to find classes that will teach them or their kids about saving money, using a checking account, being responsible with a credit card and about stocks and bonds and all those exciting things.

When I get asked about allowance it’s usually something like, “Should I give an allowance for doing chores around the house that they should do anyway?”  Well, no, not for those chores.  Of course everybody should pitch in.  If you are cooking dinner then it makes sense that others would set the table, clear the table, wash the dishes, and put them away.  You may even reason that if you do the shopping someone else should cook!  These are non-allowance activities to my mind.  I would pay for big yard clean-ups, washing and vacuuming the cars, cleaning bathrooms, baby-sitting.

Baby-sitting?? Yes, the babies are YOUR kids and if your need help caring for them because you’re going out on a date or to hang out with the girls, you should pay for caring for them.

Having money teaches kids how to save for the things they want…unless you buy all that stuff for them!  So don’t buy them everything they want.  Offer to pay half if they raise the money or offer to pay the tax and shipping.  When kids have to buy their own fun stuff, they’ll think twice about spending that money.  You can ask them to pay for their cell minutes or some of the car insurance (it does go up quite a bit with a young person on your policy).  Be creative.

As far as credit cards and checking accounts go I would say that depends on your teen.  I never would have been able to handle a checking account or a credit card at a young age.  If your son or daughter is irresponsible with money or likes to buy stuff, don’t assume that they’ll become responsible just because they REALLY want to be.  Ain’t gonna happen, trust me.

Even people with a lot of money can be spendthrifts and don’t save, so don’t assume that because they have a lot that CAN be saved, it WILL be saved!

Oh and by the way, when your kids say, “But everyone else’s parents let them have one/do that activity/be that cool thing/go to that exciting place,” don’t automatically believe them. (or call around and check!)  The reason teens still use that statement is because it still works!  But it’s usually not even close to the truth.

I’d like to recommend the following book by Nathan Dungan: Prodigal Sons and Material Girls: How Not to Be Your Child’s ATM.  Go here for information and to place your order.

Looking for more 1-Minute Parenting Tips? This book has FIFTY! Learn how prepare for - or REPAIR - your relationship with your tween or teen. Release tension, frustration, and confusion. Enjoy your family again (or for the first time!)

A couple days ago I blogged about tips for parents with ADD children. The proper way to phrase it would be to say “children diagnosed with AD/HD,” but a lot of us use shorthand and it’s understand that we are using it with unbridled affection and understanding for the kids and their parents.

That said, let’s move on to TIPS FOR TEACHERS:

• Don’t assume anything. AD/HD can present in a variety of ways. Be open to whatever behaviors present themselves and…
• Ask for help, if you feel overwhelmed, confused, or just curious. Parents are happy to know that their child’s teacher cares.
• Learn what you can. There are some great books out there. For starters, I would recommend the DRIVEN TO DISTRACTION series by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey.
• Become a partner with the parents. You will get so much more mileage if you work WITH the parent than IN SPITE of him/her.
• Love that child the best you can. Make a place in your heart for that kid - he/she needs that desperately. So many people will make fun of him/her. Your love, although silent, will mean a world of difference.
• Follow the IEP or 504 Plan. I know it’s sometimes a pain and takes time away from other things, (like sleep), but it IS a LEGAL DOCUMENT after all.
• Keep your sense of humor. Enough said. Humor is always makes challenges easier.
• Look for the gift. I know this is a bit trite and applicable to all students, but ADD kids can be frustrating and confusing so looking for the gift in all of can yield even more rewards than usual.

If you would like more tips, feel free to email Margit@thegiftedteencoach.com

September 14-20 is AD/HD Awareness Week.

To celebrate, I’m posting tips for parents with ADD kids and tips for teachers with ADD kids in their classrooms. If you want more tips, you can schedule a dollar-a-minute phone session (up to 60 minutes) by calling 425-316-3174 or by emailing Margit@TheGiftedTeenCoach.com

TIPS FOR PARENTS

• Take the time to DAILY help your child organize his/her school supplies and study area. The age of your child AND the degree of disarray will help you determine how much time to take and how much hands-on assistance to offer. Don’t assume that because your child is now is Junior High, or now in High School they should be “responsible enough” to handle this themselves. (If they’re in College however - HANDS OFF!)
• Write to your child’s teacher(s). I was always happier being contacted by the parents ahead of time so there weren’t any surprises. Let the teacher(s) know about your child’s school history - social challenges are as important as academic ones.
• Here’s a CAVEAT: Don’t expect the teacher to baby your child. As long as they’re following the IEP or 504 Plan, trust in their professional training and years of experience. If there is a recurring problem, contact the teacher and POLITELY request to speak to him/her about the issue. (CAVEAT 2 - don’t assume that the tales your child is bringing home are true. They may be, but don’t assume that).
• Praise your children when appropriate but don’t exaggerate their accomplishments. “That’s the most beautiful painting/song/poem/project ever!” is not the truth and will give your children a false sense of reality - not a good idea! On the other hand, solid praise like, “I am so proud of your efforts,” will put a big grin on their faces (or, if they’re teens, they may just grin internally…)
• Love ‘em up. “I love you” is ALWAYS an appropriate statement, even (or especially) when you are doling out the consequences. Kids People need to know that they are loved. People with AD/HD who are driven by the moment may forget or not be able to internalize that you loved them yesterday and you love them today as well.

NEXT UP - Tips for Teachers