So often I see parents focused on the gift and not on what the child needs. These are good parents who want their child to reach his/her potential. But the child cannot see what the parent can. Kids aren’t good at assessing the future and making plans that they follow through on. So parents get angry, the child gets stubborn, and things start to fall apart.
Michael Jackson - clearly a gifted child - was not (from all accounts) valued apart from his talent. He wasn’t allowed to grow up, wasn’t given the skills to deal with challenge, complicated desire, and disappointment. His later life is clearly a horrible train wreck but it didn’t happen overnight.
We parent our adult children straight out of the womb. The lessons of childhood + our own neuroses mold our children’s futures.
Don’t say “things aren’t bad enough yet” When that thought enters your head, I assure you that things are bad enough, at least for your child who can’t withstand as much as you, the adult.
Many parents isolate themselves and don’t get help. Don’t wait. Imagine finding a way out. Isn’t that worth a call or email?
One of my friends, the fabulous mother of 4, has trouble saying “No” in the non-parenting parts of her life. I was talking to her today and she told me that her coach said to her, “If you don’t get a couple of “No’s” every day, you’re not asking for enough.”
Wow!
How many of us sacrifice our happiness as we try desperately to please everyone around us? It’s especially hard to say “no” to our family because we depend so much on their love and, wrongly, their approval.
As parents, we can’t be concerned with getting our kids’ approval. That’s playing REALLY small. I meet so many parents who are afraid of their childrens’ “NO!” That “NO!” comes out of their mouths and the first reaction is to back off and assume that our children are “too independent to be parented.” (I hear that a lot too).
A parent’s job is to grow future adults and if we don’t say “no” to them when appropriate, and if we don’t let them say “no” while we still maintain our position (vis-a-vis behavior, for instance) then how are they ever going to function in the world?
Am I opposed to compromise? Absolutely not! Compromise is great, but notice that compromise also contains a “no,” it’s just a gentler one. Compromise has a “no” that means “Not that, but something similar.”
Today’s post is from Shawna Lendzion Harbin, a massage and craniosacral therapist who specializes in working with parents! Shawna has been bringing Seattle area individuals and families a sense of relaxation, physical ease, and mental clarity since 2004.
Have you noticed just how different life is when you’re really relaxed? Not only do we enjoy ourselves more, but our problems are easier to deal with. We don’t worry so much about the bills we have to pay or our conflicts at home. Circumstances generally don’t aggravate us as easily and we’re much more stable when confronting life’s struggles.
So how can massage and craniosacral therapy help us get there?
These two modalities specifically aid in calming our nerves and can even shift our moods to a more positive state. Massage employs the power of touch and a soothing environment to achieve this while craniosacral therapy goes a step further. Using a gentle contact, the practitioner accesses deeper and more delicate structures in the central nervous system and releases tensions found in the muscles, tissues, and bones within. This also allows the cerebrospinal fluid – which protects, nourishes, and removes wastes from the brain and spinal cord – to flow more freely throughout these areas. What we experience as a result of freeing up these restrictions is a profound feeling of peace and relaxation.
By providing this greater sense of calm and mental clarity, massage and craniosacral therapy improve our ability to be more present to our kids, what they are saying, and how we choose to respond. Parents find it easier to communicate with their teen and to make difficult judgements in a sometimes emotionally intense environment. As we enjoy the benefits of a healthier nervous system, we can be more centered within ourselves and our kids will notice.
I have to say that the year I felt the best was the year I got a weekly massage (I traded it for weekly coaching). Bliss!
To schedule an appointment, please call 206.949.3834.
Last week David Letterman made a pretty crass “joke” about BRISTOL Palin (not 14-year old Piper) being knocked up by baseball player Alex Rodriguez. Sarah Palin went ballistic, as would / should any parent when her teenage daughter (Bristol is 18) is publicly maligned.
The backlash is amazing - one side says that Letterman should be fired despite his public apology; the other side says that Letterman shouldn’t have apologized. I’m guessing that I’m part of the silent majority: David Letterman, a professional comedian, told a horribly offensive joke and he should apologize. No big deal.
What made it a big deal was that Letterman waited several days to apologize.
How long do you wait to apologize to your kids when YOU’VE made a mistake? DO you apologize?
As a professional who works with families I can tell you that one of the best things parents can do is apologize for mistakes, even if you’re embarrassed, and even if you turn red and cry. Apologies go a long way towards mending relationships. Teens, especially, are impressed and moved by their parents’ apologies.
Following are a few do’s and don’t regarding apologies:
Making the same mistake repeatedly and then apologizing repeatedly invalidates ALL the apologies.
An apology is more than “I’m sorry.”
When you apologize state what you did that was inappropriate or hurtful, your remorse in doing it, your intention to never do it again, how you intend to rectify your behavior, and a hope for forgiveness.
Don’t make forgiveness a requirement of changing your behavior. Your children don’t have to forgive you. (Really.)
If they say, “NO! I won’t forgive you,” you can say “That’s ok. I’m still sorry and I still intend to be a better parent to you / stop behaving this way.”
Don’t blurt out your apology and then move on. If you don’t have time to make a sincere apology, explain that you know that you owe them an apology and that you want to make sure that it’s meaningful because you know that you made a mistake.
After you apologize, let go of the blame and shame. If you need help with that (perhaps therapy) then by all means get some help. Very often our responses to our children are colored by our own childhoods.
Example:
“I am very sorry that I screamed at you. I know that I do that a lot and it’s not okay. You don’t deserve to be treated like that and I want to be a better parent to you. What I will do instead is if I feel like screaming, I will leave the conversation and talk to you when I’m calmer. If I start to scream, please remind me that I promised not to; I would appreciate that. Please know that I love you with all my heart and I’m learning to be the best parent that I can be. I hope that you can forgive me.” Feel free to tailor it to your needs!
You can also ask for their comments (if they’re willing to comment in a calm manner). This tells your kids that you value their opinions. Another plus for you!
If you’d like more information, the book STOP THE STRUGGLE! is available on Amazon.com. If you wish to call or email for a chat, please feel free to do so. The first chat is on me!
I’m very excited about this upcoming presentation on June 8, 2009 at the Sahalee Fire Station in Sammamish, WA.
Cherry O’Neill, a super savvy and wonderfully generous mom and concerned citizen, will be talking about how you know if your teen needs to enter a Residential Program, Treatment Center, or Specialty School. She will be sharing information on cost-effective options, as well as sharing her personal experience with these facilities.
If you are encountering struggles with your teen and you feel that you have run out of options, PLEASE attend this presentation.
Monday, June 8, 7 - 9 PM, at the Sahalee Fire Station. It’s F*REE and I’ll definitely be there!!
For more info contact Cherry O’Neill at dwo-mci@msn.com or 425-868-2111. This presentation is sponsored by the Sammamish Plateau Parent Networking Group and is open to everyone!
The fire station is located on 228th Avenue, across from Deerfield Park.
I LOVE “Literal Video” on You Tube! I discovered these videos a month ago and I’m addicted to them. (OK, well, not “addicted” really).
They’re the brain child of someone called “Dusto McNeato” (Dustin McClean). He takes the lyrics out of music videos and replaces them with a narration of what’s actually going on in the video. Here’s his version of “Head Over Heels” by Tears for Fears(80’s music par excellence!)
The whole video is a love song in a library but Dustin converts it into a literal song about returning books. Instead of the original words, “Something happens and I’m head over heels. I never find out til I’m head over heels,” Dustin narrates what the actor/singer is doing, “Now I’ll walk away and head over here, I’ll check the file out when I get over here.”
Here’s another one by a “protege” of Dustin (or a copycat…) At the end of “Daydream Believer” by the Monkees Davy Jones is dancing while facing a wall. He’s actually singing, “Cheer up Sleepy Jean, oh what can it mean to a Daydream Believer and a homecoming queen?” (Yeah, not sure what it means. Just humor me here.)
But the words that ”Dascottjr” is singing are literally what Davy Jones is doing, so they change the words to “I walk into a wall.”
OK, I may have killed your interest in these videos by describing them but, believe me, they’re hysterical. I don’t know Dustin but this is exactly the type of brilliant, creative, out-of-the-box thing that someone with ADD would think of! Maybe Dustin will comment on this blog post and let us know if he has ADD or ADHD?
When friends say, “You’re supposed to be home in 15 minutes? Just stay out – your parents will never know,” every teen knows they shouldn’t do it. But it is easy to brush off what you know. Easy to convince yourself, “I won’t get grounded – they’re asleep.” How can teens sort out what is the right decision and act on it? If only there were a guide to accompany them. A resource that a teen could count on. Guess what – there is. The guide is the teen’s own body.
The key questions to consider in responding to peer pressure are, “How will I feel about myself if I go along with my friends? How will I feel if I don’t?” As human beings we have tangible, physical feelings that tell us if something is right or wrong. This is sometimes called instinct or gut-level intuition. When teens learn to recognize and trust what their body tells them and follow that rather than peer pressure, they make the right decisions.
How can you teach this to your teen? Try out the suggestions below that feel like a good fit for you. Always reword the material so it feels like you talking. (That is also a physical feeling!)
Talk with your teen about paying attention to his/her instincts.
Point out that a gut-level feeling is a physical feeling.
Make kinesthetic (or body) awareness a part of your family vocabulary.
Introduce this at a neutral time, when your teen is not in the middle of a conflict.
Tune in to your own body – how does your body feel when you make a poor choice?
For more information on Kinesthetic Parenting or to register for Introduction to Kinesthetic Teen Parenting, coming in September, visit www.instituteforbodyawareness.com or call Caroline Goodell at 206-344-5545.
I am a complete sucker as well as a sap when it comes to TV shows or movies about teens in drama or dance, struggling to hold onto the joy that performing brings them. (Have you seen “Camp” - tween and teen performing artists at a summer camp. I love that movie… Order it from Amazon.com)
I previewed a new show, Glee, on Fox TV and I really, really love it. It’s really got whatever the heck it is that makes me love working with teens - that sort of awkward but full-strength drive to BE someone, to KNOW who they are and what they’re here to contribute to the world. And most of all, the fear that underneath it all, no one really likes them.
All I can say is - I get it.
Watch Glee on Hulu or on FoxTV. Relive your high school days - bond with your kids!
Summary: From Ryan Murphy, the creator of “Nip/Tuck” and “Popular,” comes GLEE, a one-hour musical comedy that follows an optimistic high school teacher as he tries to transform the Glee Club and inspire a group of ragtag performers to make it to the biggest competition of all: Nationals.
Will Schuester, a young optimistic teacher, has offered to take on the Herculean task of restoring McKinley’s Glee Club to its former glory. Everyone around him thinks he’s nuts. He’s out to prove them all wrong.
Acouple weeks ago there was a Law and Order: SVU marathon on USA TV Network. I was sacked out on the sofa after an early morning meeting followed by teaching a class.
I was particularly captivated by the episode entitled, “Responsible.” (I looked it up - it’s episode 18 in season 8). Here’s the synopsis:
After a young girl is found dead in the apartment of a vacationing couple with no children, Stabler and Benson (Chris Meloni and Mariska Hargitay) soon learn that there have been a number of high school students having floating parties, going from house to house and getting drunk. Unfortunately, charging any of the teens with murder proves problematic, but the detectives get a break when they learn that one of the teen’s mothers had been providing the alcohol as well as sleeping with one of the students. (Full Recap here)
What struck me was how easy it would be to watch this episode with your teen and either have a discussion or just insert commentary about your values while watching or during commercials. There were several times when I inadvertently found myself commenting, gasping, or just sitting with my mouth open in shock.
It doesn’t have to be planned out; your sincere, spontaneous reaction (even tears!) goes a long way to impress your values onto your teens. (”Oh, that’s so sad.” “I hope that mother gets charged.” “How disgusting.” “OMG, they’re spoiled.” etc.) You don’t have to say “this is my value” for teens to pick up on what your values are!
Granted, we can’t control them, but we can’t be afraid to share our values just because we think that they’ll be ignored. The truth is that teens rely on their parent’s values more than on their friend’s values, WHEN THEY HAVE A SENSE OF WHAT THOSE VALUES ARE.
If we don’t talk about our values, there won’t be any family values for our children to refer to and rely on!
You can watch this episode and others online or by renting from a video store or Netflix.com
What did you think of Shawn Johnson (at 17!) winning DWTS? Gilles Marini with Cheryl Burke was so fantastic, and Melissa Rycroft with Tony Dovolani was beautiful to watch but I think that Shawn made the most progress (She danced with Mark Ballas) and she didn’t buckle under the pressure of the finales. In fact, she SHINED!
Her free-style snagged the final prize, but I think I preferred her final paso doble. Ain’t focus wonderful?
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